Vain.

When I was first diagnosed, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t be just another bald girl with cancer.

That no matter how hard things got, or how many people stared I would be strong and resilient…proud of myself for making it this far.

Once again, dear friends, I have found myself and my best intentions strewn around me, and I hate to admit what I am going to share with you today.

In spite of everything that has happened since December, the thing that I struggle with more than anything is my outward appearance.
My body has been morphed into something unrecognizable by steroids, my hair has long been missing from my head, and I struggle daily with the fine line between vanity and sanity.

I feel as though my femininity has been ripped away. It upsets me because I am 20 years old and should be carefree on the beach in a bikini…because Darling Hubby and I should have our first year of marriage immortalized in a thousand perfect pictures rather than pain and tears…because I want to be attractive for my spouse…because I am ashamed that I am vain and prideful in spite of everything I should be thankful for.

Then I find myself reminded of what an awesome God we serve.
Does He not always meet us right where we are?
Does He not care about our hearts?
Does He not reach out to mend all that is broken in our lives?

He is the One that knows my sorrows, my fears, my pains, and He cares.
Greater is He than anything that is in me.

Long after my hair has grown back, my body becomes my own again, and this cancer is gone from my body He will still be greater than everything.

Through him, I find comfort and solace.

Let Go.

I was raised to be a strong person, and thus far in my life, it has served me well. I’ve been independent, confident in myself and (most) of my choices, and unafraid to take on whatever life has to throw my way.


I was raised to be a proud person, and thus far in life, it has served me well.
I’ve held my head high, kept my shoulders pulled back always self assured of my worth.

I was raised to trust and depend on my family, and thus far in life, it has served me well.
I know that no matter what, Momma has a shoulder to cry on, Daddy can fix anything that is broken, my family will be there to support me, my husband will still be my best friend, and no matter what anyone says…I can always go home.

These are the things that I have built my life around, the things that I know to be true and find comfort in.
But y’all, sometimes the bottom falls out.

When I had the first tumor removal, I used a saying my granddaddy is known for as my mantra during recovery…
“get your boots on, girl. You’ve got some hills to climb.”
I wasn’t going to let cancer slow me down, or ruin my good time while we were in Texas.
Then our first trip to MD Anderson went from just an appointment to a very serious infection, to a second tumor removal, to another two weeks in the hospital and starting the surgery recovery process all the way over.

Laying in my hospital bed I was disheartened; it was so difficult to be surrounded by my family and their words of support. “you look so much better than you did after the first surgery” and “you’re doing so good.”
I didn’t look good, my face was swollen, my body was bloated and my recent weight gain from the steroids disgusted me. I didn’t feel good, if anything, I felt exponentially worse.

Me & two of my lovely sisters.

I was angry with every single one of them. How easy is for them to tell me how I look or feel when they have no idea. How nice it must be to walk out of the hospital at the end of the day. How lovely to be able to get up and go to the rest room without needing someone to help you get there.

My heart was hurting and Satan knew it, y’all.

I thought my prayers were unheard. I thought I was being punished by God…that He had abandoned me when I needed him most. Everyday was so hard, the pain was constant, and everyday I allowed my faith to slip a tiny bit more. With every tiny slip came anger, hurt, doubt, fear…towards my family, towards my God, towards doctors, nurses, and anyone else I could think of.

The person that I was raised to be was slowly being eaten away by negativity and fear of the unknown…until a random MRI.

I had an MRI scheduled for 7:30 one evening, and blame the powers that be, it was pushed back, and pushed back until about 10:30 when they finally wheeled me down. My parents had left for the night so it was just Darling Hubby and I in the waiting area. I didn’t speak to him while we waited, but handed him my wedding ring before I went back…it felt ominous.

Normally, I fall asleep within seconds of going into the machine, but not this time…my fingers kept running over the place where my ring normally sits and suddenly I was overcome with an intense anger.

It wasn’t fair that for Darling Hubby and I, years of marriage seemed like a hopeless dream that had been ripped away. Having children, traveling, growing old together, all of our plans…gone.

I began to talk with God. Blaming him for my sickness, for punishing me, for destroying my life, all of the anger that was built up inside of me was directed at God.
I just poured out my anger, the betrayal I felt, all of the hurt that was eating me alive…

And then I remembered Matthew 11::28,
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Y’all I broke down. I cried out to God. I begged for forgiveness for doubting His power. I admitted that I was not strong enough to do this on my own. I declared that my pride was useless, meaningless. I laid down ME, and MY way of trying to fix everything. Right then and there, I told my Savior that I wasn’t able, but I was ready to hand it over to Him and let Him take care of it.

When the tech pulled me out of the MRI machine, he saw the tears flowing from my face and asked if I was in pain. My answer was simple, “not anymore.’

Dear friends, I was a overly confident, prideful, self reliant person and all of that was shaken by illness…but it didn’t shake God. Don’t waste another day of your life thinking that things are better when you’re in control. Don’t waste another day of your life without knowing how much better life is when you let go and let God.

Worry, fear, hurt, anger, pride, shame…let it go and let God. Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

He is waiting for you to call out to Him, loves.