Vain.

When I was first diagnosed, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t be just another bald girl with cancer.

That no matter how hard things got, or how many people stared I would be strong and resilient…proud of myself for making it this far.

Once again, dear friends, I have found myself and my best intentions strewn around me, and I hate to admit what I am going to share with you today.

In spite of everything that has happened since December, the thing that I struggle with more than anything is my outward appearance.
My body has been morphed into something unrecognizable by steroids, my hair has long been missing from my head, and I struggle daily with the fine line between vanity and sanity.

I feel as though my femininity has been ripped away. It upsets me because I am 20 years old and should be carefree on the beach in a bikini…because Darling Hubby and I should have our first year of marriage immortalized in a thousand perfect pictures rather than pain and tears…because I want to be attractive for my spouse…because I am ashamed that I am vain and prideful in spite of everything I should be thankful for.

Then I find myself reminded of what an awesome God we serve.
Does He not always meet us right where we are?
Does He not care about our hearts?
Does He not reach out to mend all that is broken in our lives?

He is the One that knows my sorrows, my fears, my pains, and He cares.
Greater is He than anything that is in me.

Long after my hair has grown back, my body becomes my own again, and this cancer is gone from my body He will still be greater than everything.

Through him, I find comfort and solace.

Let Go.

I was raised to be a strong person, and thus far in my life, it has served me well. I’ve been independent, confident in myself and (most) of my choices, and unafraid to take on whatever life has to throw my way.


I was raised to be a proud person, and thus far in life, it has served me well.
I’ve held my head high, kept my shoulders pulled back always self assured of my worth.

I was raised to trust and depend on my family, and thus far in life, it has served me well.
I know that no matter what, Momma has a shoulder to cry on, Daddy can fix anything that is broken, my family will be there to support me, my husband will still be my best friend, and no matter what anyone says…I can always go home.

These are the things that I have built my life around, the things that I know to be true and find comfort in.
But y’all, sometimes the bottom falls out.

When I had the first tumor removal, I used a saying my granddaddy is known for as my mantra during recovery…
“get your boots on, girl. You’ve got some hills to climb.”
I wasn’t going to let cancer slow me down, or ruin my good time while we were in Texas.
Then our first trip to MD Anderson went from just an appointment to a very serious infection, to a second tumor removal, to another two weeks in the hospital and starting the surgery recovery process all the way over.

Laying in my hospital bed I was disheartened; it was so difficult to be surrounded by my family and their words of support. “you look so much better than you did after the first surgery” and “you’re doing so good.”
I didn’t look good, my face was swollen, my body was bloated and my recent weight gain from the steroids disgusted me. I didn’t feel good, if anything, I felt exponentially worse.

Me & two of my lovely sisters.

I was angry with every single one of them. How easy is for them to tell me how I look or feel when they have no idea. How nice it must be to walk out of the hospital at the end of the day. How lovely to be able to get up and go to the rest room without needing someone to help you get there.

My heart was hurting and Satan knew it, y’all.

I thought my prayers were unheard. I thought I was being punished by God…that He had abandoned me when I needed him most. Everyday was so hard, the pain was constant, and everyday I allowed my faith to slip a tiny bit more. With every tiny slip came anger, hurt, doubt, fear…towards my family, towards my God, towards doctors, nurses, and anyone else I could think of.

The person that I was raised to be was slowly being eaten away by negativity and fear of the unknown…until a random MRI.

I had an MRI scheduled for 7:30 one evening, and blame the powers that be, it was pushed back, and pushed back until about 10:30 when they finally wheeled me down. My parents had left for the night so it was just Darling Hubby and I in the waiting area. I didn’t speak to him while we waited, but handed him my wedding ring before I went back…it felt ominous.

Normally, I fall asleep within seconds of going into the machine, but not this time…my fingers kept running over the place where my ring normally sits and suddenly I was overcome with an intense anger.

It wasn’t fair that for Darling Hubby and I, years of marriage seemed like a hopeless dream that had been ripped away. Having children, traveling, growing old together, all of our plans…gone.

I began to talk with God. Blaming him for my sickness, for punishing me, for destroying my life, all of the anger that was built up inside of me was directed at God.
I just poured out my anger, the betrayal I felt, all of the hurt that was eating me alive…

And then I remembered Matthew 11::28,
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Y’all I broke down. I cried out to God. I begged for forgiveness for doubting His power. I admitted that I was not strong enough to do this on my own. I declared that my pride was useless, meaningless. I laid down ME, and MY way of trying to fix everything. Right then and there, I told my Savior that I wasn’t able, but I was ready to hand it over to Him and let Him take care of it.

When the tech pulled me out of the MRI machine, he saw the tears flowing from my face and asked if I was in pain. My answer was simple, “not anymore.’

Dear friends, I was a overly confident, prideful, self reliant person and all of that was shaken by illness…but it didn’t shake God. Don’t waste another day of your life thinking that things are better when you’re in control. Don’t waste another day of your life without knowing how much better life is when you let go and let God.

Worry, fear, hurt, anger, pride, shame…let it go and let God. Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

He is waiting for you to call out to Him, loves.

Whip Cream & Sprinkles.

I read quite a few ‘newlywed’ blogs daily, and I have to tell you…these girls lie.
Every post sparkles with the sunshine that is their young marriage; dances with happiness about how wonderful, and amazing their husbands are all day, everyday, without fail.

Take this little snippet for example,
“We could have thrown out every excuse we had and succumbed to slumber, but instead we allowed deeper feelings of desire to rule that evening. If I could describe it a different way it was like we allowed ourselves to dig into dessert, and we weren't shy about asking for whip cream and sprinkles on top!”
Whip cream and sprinkles, really?

In February, Darling Hubby and I will be halfway through our first year as a married couple. (Eeek! Just seeing it in writing makes me oh so happy!)

Are we happy?
Beyond anything we hoped for.
Are we still in love?
More and more each day.
Are we still the same mushy, dotting couple?
Oh, yes we are.

But still…
I prefer to be a bit more of a realist when it comes to the relationship between Darling Hubby & I.

We have bad days.
We bicker and argue over petty things.
I throw fits. (Don’t judge me, I’m Southern.)
He always thinks he’s right.
And sometimes…we hurt each other.
Sure, it doesn’t sound pretty, but it’s the truth. We learn from these so called ‘bad’ things.

Our first months of marriage have been quite charming to be sure, but not without a few road hazards along the way. I thought that today, I would share just two situations that caused strife in our home.

Lesson One:
Establish early on who will keep up with vehicle, home, savings, etc. maintenance.
I am a stickler for having oil changes, tire rotations, and other general preventative maintenance done on our vehicles…Darling Hubby, however, is not.
For 4 months, I offered to take his car for an oil change myself so it wouldn’t waste one of our precious days off from work. I begged, I pleaded…all to no avail.
Finally, he gave in and we had it taken care off, but I had already learned my lesson:
Don’t ask if it needs to be done, just do it so it is.

Lesson Two:
Darling Hubby deserves a welcome home.
-When Darling Hubby gets home from work, take the time to step away from the tv/laptop/crafting supplies, and actually give him your attention.
I struggled with this one daily…not because I wasn’t thrilled he was home, but because whenever I’m up to my ears in crafting supplies…I don’t want to break away!
You enjoy feeling loved & wanted…so does he.

Your turn, loves…share with me the silly things that you & yours bickered over during the early years!

I can beat this.

Dear friends, allow me to apologize for the extended vacation I took from blogging…now, allow me to share with you the reasons behind it.

The month of December was a rough time for the Darling household. I had headaches daily that eventually progressed into migraines that caused me to completely shut down.
This went on until a random Wednesday night that was exceptionally bad. Picture me being quite pathetic, vomiting, crying, moaning about until Darling Hubby decides that whether I like it or not, we are going to the ER.

Once there, and after medicine has been given and a CT scan has been performed, a neurosurgeon steps in our room to inform us that there is a mass on my brain, and it shouldn’t be there.
A day and a half later, all three sets of my parents have traveled from Texas to Florida to be with Darling Hubby & I. We hadn’t seen any family since the wedding so, even with the circumstances, I was quite the happy girl. At this point, my doctors are still sticking with the ‘it’s a mass’ story, but inform us that it is putting too much pressure on my brain and has to come out.

So, the following day, I have major brain surgery…which, oddly enough, is the first surgery I’ve ever had. Something to be said for doing it big, eh?
When I am coherent again, my neurosurgeon comes to speak with me about what they now know.
I have brain cancer, Glioblastoma to be exact.

That’s the point that we are at right now. Darling Hubby & I are currently residing in Texas to be close to family for support and help once I start treatment.
I want you all to know that we aren’t going to let this take over our lives, just as I’m not going to let it take over my blog but, I will be consistent in sharing updates about our progress.

In the ER:



The target area:

And now I have no hair:



Back to the basics.

I am happy to report, that everything is back to normal in the Darling house.
We are sleeping through the night and waking up well rested, happy people.
Let me tell you friends, this is a massive change from previous weeks.
Darling Hubby is still recovering from surgery, but is feeling progressively better with each passing day, and for that, I am quite thankful.

The truly interesting news is that Darling Hubby is off work for the next week and a half, and home with me. At first, I was a bit apprehensive about how this would change our day to day dynamics, but to be honest, I am very much enjoying our free time together.
We aren’t terribly exciting, I’m afraid, but it’s a comforting thought to know that he won’t be rushing off to work in the wee hours of the morning.

I am quickly learning that with being a military wife, one learns some very important life lessons.
What is the first lesson, you ask?
It’s fairly simple, actually.
Cherish the time you have with your spouse.

Living in the age of social media, it’s so easy to allow things like TV, the internet, or cell phones that are chirping away eat up precious time that you could be spending making real memories with your darling.
Don’t believe me?

Today, when you’re around someone, turn off the TV, step away from the computer, and silence your cell…you’ll be amazed to realize that you actually do have a life beyond them.
It’s a little disturbing to think about how much we rave about the way that tethering ourselves to so many devices allows us to be ‘instantly updated’ to what’s going on in the world.
How did we manage to forget that the most instant form of interaction is face to face, and person to person?
So, I urge you to free yourself from the restraints, if just for one day, and allow yourself to remember what it was like to have real quality time.

Till then…

Hospital Visit.

I’m sitting alone in the hospital.

Darling Hubby is in surgery.
Tonsillectomy, trimming down his uvula, and repairing a deviated septum.
All in the name of getting a full night of sleep again.
 Since Darling Hubby and I married, neither one of us has gotten our full 8 hours.
Me, because of the grizzly bear snoring radiating from Darling Hubby.
Him, because of this evil thing called sleep apnea.

To be completely honest, he and I haven’t slept at the same time for the few weeks.
No, we aren’t mad at each other or anything crazy like that.
It’s just…that with his snoring growing louder, and louder…I can’t sleep.


We’ve tried it all…
Nose strips for him. Ear plugs for me. Change of sleeping position for him. Sleeping pills for me.
And nothing, is working for us.
So, after sleepless nights, sleep studies, countless doctor’s visits…he is in surgery.


What about me, you ask?
Friends, I am exhausted.
And nervous, and scared.
Nervous, because he is in surgery.
Scared, because he is in surgery, and I have to spend tonight away from him.
Please keep us in your thoughts & prayers.

Till then…

Upcycle.

I am oh-so obsessed with the idea of upcycling.

What is upcycling you ask?
It’s taking things that you would normally trash and turning it into something new.
That’s right folks, turning everyday trash into treasure.

My project this week involves one thing that I promise you have on hand:
Plastic bags.

I created this beauty.

Wanna make your own?

      This is what you will need:

• A dozen or so plastic bags
• A wire coat hanger

      This is how:

• Shape your wire hanger into a circle.
• Cut your plastic bags into strips.
• Tie the strips to the wire.
                                              It’s really as simple as that!

And now, for your listening pleasure, I offer you these smashing Beatles covers by a few surprising artists.

Ella...



Ray...

 
Joan...

 
Till Then...